Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?

(This is an old talk I gave on "Christ-like Communication.")


There are thousands of books written on the subject of this. There is a whole industry based on it. The newest techonologies of our day are focused on this. So much of our time and energy and money is spent on our desire to communicate with each other. Our first few years of life are focused on learning to communicate.

Think of all the ways you have communicated today. Did you groan when your alarm rang this morning? Have you already attended a meeting and exchanged information with others in that meeting? Have you repeatedly encouraged a child to get ready? Did you roll your eyes when your mom told you to hurry up?

What about on the way to church this morning? Did you use a blinker on your car? Did you honk your horn at someone?

You have already communicated to your family, people at church, and maybe strangers on the street.

Did you kneel to pray this morning? Did you gather your family for prayer? Have you communicated with God today?

James 3:2 says "For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body."

If we can perfect our communication, our speech, we can perfect ourselves.

When you wake up in the morning, the day is perfect. It hasn't had one mistake in it, yet. If you kneel to pray before anything else, you have started your day exactly as your Heavenly Father desires you to start it. Your day is still perfect.

But, as we all know, that won't last forever. We have the rest of the day to face. We will communicate with our spouses, children, parents, siblings, strangers on the street, the cashier, the telephone repair man, and the list keeps going. How will we handle these communications? We should handle them in the way our Savior would.

I'm sure we all had our mothers say to us: "Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?" Like many things we learned in grade school, this is a good adage to live by.

Is is kind?

Elder Holland, in his talk "Tongue of Angels", spoke to us about the power of kind words, and the destruction of unkind words in our families. He said:

"Husbands, you have been entrusted with the most sacred gift God can give you—a wife, a daughter of God, the mother of your children who has voluntarily given herself to you for love and joyful companionship. Think of the kind things you said when you were courting, think of the blessings you have given with hands placed lovingly upon her head, think of yourself and of her as the god and goddess you both inherently are, and then reflect on other moments characterized by cold, caustic, unbridled words. Given the damage that can be done with our tongues, little wonder the Savior said, "Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man."5 A husband who would never dream of striking his wife physically can break her heart by the brutality of thoughtless or unkind speech. Brethren, these things ought not to be.
In that same spirit we speak to the sisters as well, for the sin of verbal abuse knows no gender. Wives, what of the unbridled tongue in your mouth, of the power for good or ill in your words? How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman's words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined. Sisters, there is no place in that magnificent spirit of yours for acerbic or abrasive expression of any kind, including gossip or backbiting or catty remarks.
May I expand this counsel to make it a full family matter. We must be so careful in speaking to a child. What we say or don't say, how we say it and when is so very, very important in shaping a child's view of himself or herself. But it is even more important in shaping that child's faith in us and their faith in God. Be constructive in your comments to a child—always. Never tell them, even in whimsy, that they are fat or dumb or lazy or homely. You would never do that maliciously, but they remember and may struggle for years trying to forget—and to forgive. And try not to compare your children, even if you think you are skillful at it. You may say most positively that "Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright," but all Susan will remember is that she isn't bright and Sandra that she isn't pretty. Praise each child individually for what that child is, and help him or her escape our culture's obsession with comparing, competing, and never feeling we are "enough."

Speaking to our family members with kindness makes our homes a heaven on earth. Our homes are supposed to be like the temple. Imagine if we spoke to each other in our homes the way we do in the temple. I’m not talking about always in a whisper, but speaking kindly and encouragingly.

We should also speak kindly about ourselves. Negative comments about ourselves, made to ourselves or others, drag us down. Imagine Satan’s joy every time we insult ourselves. We are one of God’s creations, and, as the phrase goes “God don’t make no junk.”


Is it True?

Honesty is at the center of becoming like Christ. Christ and Satan are opposites, just as truth and lie are. Its very simple. To be honest is to be like Christ, to lie is to be like Satan. We can make the commitment to be 100% honest in our speech. There are times when telling a lie would seem easier, or to our advantage, and that makes it hard. But, being honest is never to our advantage, nor will it end up being easier.

James E Faust told this story:

“Today was test day in climbing the rope. We climb from a standing start to a point 15 feet high. …
“The school record for the event is 2.1 seconds. It has stood for three years. Today this record was broken. …
“For three years Bobby Polacio, a 14 1/2-year-old ninth grade … boy, [trained and worked, consumed by his dream] of breaking this record.
“In his first of three attempts, Bobby climbed the rope in 2.1 seconds, tying the record. On the second try the watch stopped at 2.0 seconds flat, a record! But as he descended the rope and the entire class gathered around to check the watch, I knew I must ask Bobby a question. There was a slight doubt in my mind whether or not the board at the 15 foot height had been touched. If he missed, it was so very, very close—not more than a fraction of an inch—and only Bobby knew this answer.
“As he walked toward me, expressionless, I said, ‘Bobby, did you touch?’ If he had said, ‘Yes,’ the record he had dreamed of since he was a skinny seventh-grader and had worked for almost daily would be his, and he knew I would trust his word.
“With the class already cheering him for his performance, the slim, brown-skinned boy shook his head negatively. And in this simple gesture, I witnessed a moment of greatness. …
“… And it was with effort through a tight throat that I told the class: ‘This boy has not set a record in the rope climb. No, he has set a much finer record for you and everyone to strive for. He has told the truth.
“I turned to Bobby and said, ‘Bobby, I’m proud of you. You’ve just set a record many athletes never attain. Now, in your last try I want you to jump a few inches higher on the takeoff.’ …
“After the other boys had finished their next turns, and Bobby came up … for his try, a strange stillness came over the gymnasium. Fifty boys and one coach [watched] breathlessly [as] Bobby Polacio … climbed the rope in 1.9 seconds! A school record, a city record, and perhaps close to a national record for a junior high school boy.
“When the bell rang and I walked away, … I was thinking: ‘Bobby, … at 14 you are a better man than I. Thank you for climbing so very, very high today.’ ”

Is it necessary?
I’m reminded of the story of the man and his wife, married for many years. One day, she asked why he never told her he loved her. His response: “I told you when I married you I loved you, and I’ll let you know if it ever changes.” Obviously, expressing love to one another, complimenting each other, and speaking encouraging words is necessary. Creating and maintaining relationships is an important part of our life here on earth. It is necessary that we communicate with each other to do this. Many, many communications are necessary for us to make.
What is unnecessary is backbiting, murmuring, complaining and gossiping. Orson Whitney said: : "The spirit of the gospel is optimistic; it trusts in God and looks on the bright side of things. The opposite or pessimistic spirit drags men down and away from God, looks on the dark side, murmurs, complains, and is slow to yield obedience."
Elder Holland said: We should honor the Savior's declaration to "be of good cheer."7 (Indeed, it seems to me we may be more guilty of breaking that commandment than almost any other!) Speak hopefully. Speak encouragingly, including about yourself. Try not to complain and moan incessantly. I have often thought that Nephi's being bound with cords and beaten by rods must have been more tolerable to him than listening to Laman and Lemuel's constant murmuring.8 Surely he must have said at least once, "Hit me one more time. I can still hear you." Yes, life has its problems, and yes, there are negative things to face, but please accept one of Elder Holland's maxims for living—no misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse.
Whining and complaining annoy others, and injure our own spirits. Gossiping, though, injures others. While researching this talk, I found a wonderful talk called “Keeping Confidences”, given by Larry Hiller. In it, he compares information with money.
“Some time ago I directed a major fund-raising event for our ward. When it was all over, those who had worked so hard with me to make it successful sighed and relaxed. But I still had one major worry: accounting for all of the funds. For my own peace of mind I had to be sure there could never be any question as to whether I had handled Church funds appropriately. I knew the bishop trusted me, but I still wanted to be sure there could never be a doubt.
Something else happened recently that made me give even more thought to the concept of handling other people’s property with integrity. A friend came to me to discuss in confidence a personal problem. Even more than advice, he needed someone to listen to him as he talked through the situation. He would have been embarrassed if the things I learned had become known to others, and he was counting on me not to violate his trust.
Few of us treat the tangible property of others with deliberate disregard. Despite daily news stories about theft, most people are still basically honest when it comes to respecting property. But what about less tangible things, such as information? Does our integrity extend that far?”
When you have been given information about someone, it is not your information to share. It is the same as if someone had handed you their cash. Would you feel free to allow others access to those funds? Of course not.
Larry Hiller says about gossip: Too many people seem to think that it is only gossip if it is unsubstantiated rumor. But something may be completely true and still be no one else’s business. Truth does not justify gossip any more than need justifies theft. And to excuse gossip by saying that it is common knowledge is the same as justifying sin because “others are doing it.”
“Sometimes gossip masquerades as neighborly concern. People repeat negative details of an intimate nature, clucking away in dismay over the problems and foibles of the third party. And all the time they justify themselves because they are simply repeating the sad truth.”
Of course we should show concern for one another. And there is a place for exchanges of information. But we ought to be cautious; we ought to examine our motives and think carefully before we speak.”
I would think that if you have to question whether or not you should say something, its probably better to just not say it. When we open our mouths and give our information, you do so not knowing the effects it will have on someone else. You may say to yourself “I don’t mind having this kind of information shared about me” but, you can’t speak for someone else.
We talk much about unity in our families, branch, and church. So, this quote really jumped out at me:
“So much strife and discontent can be avoided when we learn to keep confidences. “Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth.” (Prov. 26:20.)
“By using good judgment in our communications, we can strengthen our common bond of trust. When we are prudent in our speech, we provide fewer opportunities for the Adversary to cause divisions among us and fewer chances for our enemies to work against us.”
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary? Three questions we should ask ourselves about our language. Think of the words of the Savior. Were they kind? Were they true? Were they necessary? He never spoke a word that wasn’t all three of these things.
At the end of the day, it is no longer a perfect day. We made mistakes, as we all do. It is imperative that we once again kneel by the side of our bed, and communicate with God. Review our day with him, repent of those things we need to, and commit to strive to be better the next day. As we go through our lives, the most important communication we make is with our Maker. It is from the example of the Savior we can learn how to interact with others. He is willing to lend an ear to us, just as we should for our brethren. And, He is willing to forgive us, just as we should for our brethren.